YeLLeka ~ Practicing Life and Law

I am so happy that our 44th President has been sworn in. They set up a live streaming feed in a conference room at work so that anyone who wanted could watch it. It was really inspiring. I volunteered with the Obama Youth Vote campaign and I am so excited to have been a part of history. Here we go... hang on for the ride!

I just read this article in the ABA Journal:

Law Grad, 32: Don't Do What I Do

In it, a 32-year-old law school graduate of Boston University who has $87,000 in student loan debt and who didn't end up getting the kind of high-paying job she thought she would get after graduation is "on a one-woman mission to talk people out of law school."

I guess I found this article late, because commenting on it was closed. I did read through several of the comments, ranging from "she's bitter and she must be an ugly woman who didn't work hard enough in law school" to "I completely agree with her; law school is such a rip-off."

It all made me think about my own experience and what I would advise, or not advise, a young woman who is thinking about law school.

The long and short of my advice would be the same as with most endeavors in life. Give it a lot of thought and do a lot of background research. Have realistic expectations and make practical decisions. But if it is your passion, your dream, and what you really know you want to do, then go for it, with all your heart, work hard and be true to yourself, and you will have a good life.

So I am against Ms. Wolf's crusade to convince people not to go to law school just because it didn't work out for her. Likewise, I would be against someone telling people to go to law school just because it worked out for him or her. We are all individual creatures, with separate goals, personalities, desires, comfort levels, etc. As is mentioned in the piece about Ms. Wolf, some people go to law school just as a "default" because they don't know what else to do, and they assume it will make them a lot of money. That plan is probably bound to fail and it's good to open up people's eyes that this is *not* a good reason to go to law school, folks. The law is like other areas of life: nothing good comes easily. The more you put into it, the more you get out. And even then, you might not get what you're expecting, so you'll have to come up with a Plan B. So yeah, warn people to make their own well-informed decision, and share with them how perhaps you didn't. But in my opinion it is wrong to tell someone what to do or not to do based solely on one's own experience, especially when it's delivered with a sour grapes type of message. On the other hand, I am not against Ms. Wolf or anyone else sharing his or her own experience, because it helps other people see what things *can* turn out like.

Here is my experience. In a way, I went to law school as a "default" and in a way I sometimes feel like a sell out. That is because my true passion is writing. I wanted to be (and still want to be, but my expectations are more realistic) a famous writer. I wanted to travel, read, write... I thought maybe I would be a professor of Latin American literature or a creative writing teacher in Spain, and a published writer. But the law was a career I had considered since middle school, because I felt I would be good at it and I always liked challenges. I am not from a family of lawyers and in fact I was the first in all of my family and extended family to receive a bachelor's degree. I always took pride in my intelligence and valued education; to me, a career in the law seemed like the reality of what my father always told me, and I truly believed: I could do anything that I wanted.

As I went to college, at a liberal arts school, I realized that I couldn't really be a full-time writer and/or traveler without having a trust fund or being severely broke. I wanted financial independence and I didn't want to rely on anyone but myself. So I started to more seriously look into the law as a way to find stability as well as that exciting challenge I was always craving. I knew I was good at reading, research, analyzing things and writing, and I felt up to the task of becoming proficient at oral arguments, my weakest link.

I admit I was also attracted to the salary I assumed that attorneys made, not because of any law school brochures like in Ms. Wolf's case, but because of society's image of the profession, which I totally bought into. I figured, even if I didn't like practicing law, I would make a lot of money and save it for a short time, so that I could "retire" very young and go on my traveling and writing expeditions. In that respect I was a little naive because I wasn't factoring in the realities of student loan debt, costs of living, and the fact that I had no idea whether I'd be able to get any job, let alone one that paid well. I think that is the myth that Ms. Wolf is looking to dispel, and in that sense I think her crusade is a good one. When people are young, the think the world is going to be handed to them on a silver platter, and law school is the ticket to megamillions. Too late they find out that education is pricey, the law can be tedious and hard and maybe they won't like it and then what? When I started law school I really hated it at first, and I felt trapped, because I had already signed on the electronic line for my student loans, and I didn't know how I could afford to pay them back without that ever-elusive paycheck at the end of the law school rainbow. In my case everything turned out fine and it was a *good* thing I couldn't easily drop out of law school. But I recognize that other people have other experiences, so I am just sharing mine.

One thing I think that Ms. Wolf neglects is that it's not only law schools that feature expensive price tags and huge promises. I think that the American education system in general has gotten way out of hand price-wise. I consider myself fortunate because the college that I wanted to attend -- Sarah Lawrence -- offered me a general financial aid package, and I came out with only $17,000 in undergraduate debt, and a big part of that was made up of my freshman year debt, in which I attended St. Louis University's campus in Madrid, Spain (not a cheap endeavor, but I was 18 years old and naive!) To be honest I didn't consider the price and I wanted to transfer to Sarah Lawrence so bad that I would have foolishly amassed large amounts of debt had the generous alumni not footed my bill for me. (I come from a very middle class family, but compared to many SLC students and alums, we didn't have money.) So now that I am older and wiser, I look back with absolute gratefulness that things happened for me the way they did, or else I'd be in a lot more debt right now.

*But* my younger siblings were not so fortunate. Neither of them have a law degree, and both of them have about as much in student loans as I do. My sister attended a private college in Virginia which advertised itself as having a music conservatory. She ended up doing music therapy and then got her Master's in secondary education counseling from a state (Pennsylvania) school. After realizing what a huge price tag her undergraduate education carried, she chose that state school and also chose to live with my parents during her graduate schooling so that she could afford it without debt. I have no idea how she did that without driving herself crazy, but I realize that her choice was smart -- and perhaps the only one -- financially. Now she is a counselor at a middle school who makes about $50,000 and has twice that amount in student loans. I am sure there are boards and journals where educators are complaining about their debt to income ratio and the high cost of education -- and in my opinion, they have more of a reason to be doing that than do attorneys!

My brother attended a private liberal arts school in Pennsylvania and just graduated last May. His student loans equal my sister's, and that's just for undergrad. I know he enjoyed his school (Elizabethtown College) but he's not enjoying his student loan payments, and I think it's a shame that education has gotten so pricey. He double majored in criminal jusitce and psychology (a real CSI type) and he is currently working as a juvenile detention center parole officer for probably about $10 an hour while going through a lengthy security clearance procedure that will end up in his new job: doing security for the U.S. Navy. He and his fiance, a middle school math teacher, will be married in June, hopefully around the same time he is cleared to start his new job, and they will have a comfortable life together, but it does come with his nearly $100,000 student loan price tag. He's probably never going to be rich, but he is happy, and I doubt you'd find him complaining on an Internet board.

So I think that part of it is expectations, and back to students who think their ticket to wealth is through the golden gate called Law School. Other people earn degrees in education or criminal justice, and they pay for them with expensive student loans, but they do it because they love it and because that's the life they envision for themselves, not because they expect to get rich. So I think anyone going to law school has to have some passion for it and some direction and, of course, realistic expectations, or they are going to be unhappy because they are actually doing it just for the money... which is the root of all evil of course!

So, back to me. After I knew for sure I wanted to go to law school, I poured my heart and soul into it. That is just the way I am. And I think that passion and dedication is very necessary for getting through law school and being an attorney, especially during these first few hard and confusing years. You have to have some internal motivation and drive to keep you going when everything external seems to be letting you down. So I am not trying to brag but I am just explaining what's worked for me and what I think is essential for anyone considering law school. Again, nothing good comes easily.

I studied for the LSATs and did pretty well on them. I applied to a lot of schools. Then I began to get my first dose of hard reality about the law, which is that its education is expensive!! Once I found out that reality, I had to make some practical choices. I *wanted* to go to Brooklyn Law or the University of San Diego Law School. Both of them were second tier, good local schools, and both of them were in areas I wanted to live in. But both of them cost $40,000 a year, *plus* the cost of living in those desirable areas. USD was going to give me the entire amount of tuition in loans, which Brooklyn was going to give me half in loans, and I have no idea what they expected me to do to come up with the rest of it. Nor did I have a plan to pay for living while I attended these schools, short of pole dancing, which I didn't think would fit in very well with my future career goals. ;)

I had researched a lot of different schools, and I had heard of the University of New Mexico School of Law from US News and World Report, which ranked its clinical education program one of the top 5 in the nation, and which ranked the diversity of its student body high too. I looked into it further, and saw that it offered a summer study abroad program in Mexico. (It turned out I wasn't able to afford this in law school, but it caught my naive pre-law school eye because I was interested in International Law and I loved to travel, especially to Spanish-speaking places). What *really* caught my eye was its price tag. As an out of state student, my first year would cost me $18,000 -- still *much* cheaper than the $40,000 from my other two preferred schools. After a year, I could become a resident and get in-state tuition of only $7,000 a year. (Or so -- it rose a bit each year but it was somewhere betwenen $6,000 and $8,000). To top it all off, it was ranked pretty much exactly the same as Brooklyn and San Diego!

I had never been to New Mexico, and at first I must admit I applied to it as a "back up" school (and it was the first I had heard back from with an acceptance) but I thought, well, my choice is clear. My choice was actually *necessary* because I couldn't realistically afford to go anywhere else, except my *really* back up school of CUNY Queens, where I could get in-state New York tuition for about the same price as at New Mexico, but it was a fourth tier school and it still involved living in and paying to live in New York City.

So off I moved to New Mexico. I thought I would go to school here and move elsewhere to get a job. I didn't realize how hard the move is from a local, well-known school to a big city that prefers its own local, well-known schools. I guess in a way I was kind of "stuck" although I know people who have moved out of state and I know I could do it if I wanted to... I just didn't want to do it that badly. I was lucky enough to make law review. I worked hard and, after a dreadful first semester, got pretty good grades. I got an offer for a summer clerkship from a good, "big" local firm (big in Albuquerque is a very relative firm... my firm was the third largest in the state, with about 55 attorneys). I then got a permanent offer from that same firm, and, coupled with the fact that I was in a permanent relationship with a guy who had pretty permanent plans to stay in Albuquerque, my choice was clear. I took the New Mexico bar and the job at the local firm.

Then, two years later, more fortune came my way. I think connections and networking are important, but not the end-all be-all, because I didn't know a soul when I first arrived in Albuquerque and, as I've already mentioned, I don't have any familiar ties to the legal world. I was just a girl and a dog (well, I got the dog the day after I moved here. ;) I didn't know anyone at the firm I clerked at until I had the on-campus interview and the second call-back interview. After two years of working at that well-known firm, I received an email about another firm, a regional one with an office in Albuquerque, that paid significantly more. It did help that I had the big firm experience, and that New Mexico is a small place where everyone knows everyone, so I had well-known and good attorneys who could vouch for me. But I proved myself. I worked hard and I put a lot of effort and passion into my work, and I think it shows. That is the advice I would give anyone: do what you love. Find out what you really want to do and go for it, no matter what anyone else says.

I'm not saying that I always love the law. After I moved to this firm, it was hard. It really pushed (and still pushes) my comfort level and there is a huge learning curve. Some days I am super stressed. Some days I want to quit. And other days, I finally feel like, I'm getting it, I can do this, all I need is hard work and passion, and if it happens to not work out, there are other opportunities for me. My possibilities are endless.

So. I obviously disagree with Ms. Wolf. But I am a different person with different circumstances. I made different choices. I forgot to mention that my law school education cost me about $80,000, which included living expenses in the form of private student loans. I did not always make wise choices. I wish I could go back and say NO to those extra student loans I didn't really need. I wish I had learned earlier to live within or below my means, make a budget, not use credit or unnecessary student loans to do fun things. But I have definitely learned that stuff being in the "real world" of working and paying bills and owning a house and looking at my overall portfolio. I am happy to have less than $100,000 in student loans for both undergrad and law school. So I say there are places where you can get a good education for less, you just have to look around and be willing to compromise. I feel fortunate to have a really good job because I do think there are aspects of luck and timing that come into it, like everything else in life. But no matter where I was working, I would feel like I came out ahead. But that might be because I put work and thought into the beginning of the journey. I didn't expect to make a gazillion bucks right out of law school, or even what I'm making now, three years out. I guess if you don't expect things to be handed to you, you'll be a lot more grateful when good things come your way, especially if you really feel like a lot of it is because you worked hard, counted on only yourself, and put all your effort and passion into it.


So, from this 28-year-old law school grad (I actually graduated when I was 25 so I'm not sure where the age thing comes in...), I advise people thinking about law school to first think about *why*. I would advise you to make sure you continue your other outside interests and not put all your eggs in one basket, either financially or personally (I am still writing and still planning on being a published author). Then think about the *how* and be sure to really lay out the numbers. Ignore the glossy brochures from law schools stating that average starting salaries are so and so. What does that even mean? That isn't a promise directly from the law school to you. That is just the law school trying to sell a product, and believe me, education has become a product. So just keep that in mind. Ask yourself this, if you get out of law school and you get a job that pays you $55,000 (a pretty good income for most Americans), will you be happy with your choice to go to law school and become a lawyer? If not, don't do it. Nothing is worth selling yourself out for, especially something that has no guarantee. With this economy and job market, I would think that law school graduates have to lower their expectations even more; I know many lawyers who are happy to have a job, anywhere, at this tumultuous time. So don't do it for the money because you can't count on money. You can only count on yourself. Only do it if you have a passion for it and you know you can dedicate yourself to it. If you do it and you're happy with your choice, then share the experience with other people. If you're not happy with your choice, also share that experience. But realize it is just an experience and everyone is different. Some people feel very fortunate to have been able to get into and go to law school, and some people are very happy with their choice to be an attorney. I am one of those people. Yes, my job brings me some stress and grief. (What job doesn't?) But it also brings me opportunities, challenges, and satisfaction that I don't envision myself being able to get out of any other career choice.

Don't do things just for the money and then you won't be let down if you don't make "enough" money. Figure out what you really want to do and go after it. If it's the law, then I wish you the very best, because I have found that it can be very rewarding.

Labels: law school, legal profession

I'd been doing horribly at my goal of practicing balance between life and law. All I was getting done was work, and I wasn't even excelling at that. I think I was just in an overwhelmed slump. I hadn't worked out much since September... here and there, but very sporadically. And I haven't written anything at all except ideas and journaling when we took a trip to Chicago in October.

Yesterday was casual Friday and all my work-appropriate jeans and pants *weren't* so work-appropriate because I could barely fit into any of them. :( Plus, as usual, I had woken up too late to work out before work, too late to get into work early and finish the work I had meant to finish the day before, and, I had woken up grumpy instead of energized. I thought, that's it, today is my day to make some changes. I'm not going to wait for an excuse, like until after Thanksgiving and my visit home to my sweet-laden parents' house, not wait until I figure out how to use Ascendo Fitness on my blackberry, not wait until the beginning of the next month or even the next week. I am just going to take it day by day, starting today, and tell myself every day, "Am I being healthy? Am I happy?"

So yesterday I ate well and had plans to go to the gym after work. A co-worker and his wife invited us at the last minute to a college basketball game. That threw off my plans but it was very fun. :) I indulged in sharing nachos and green chili stew with BF. But, I didn't feel too guilty because I had eaten healthy all day. This morning I went to the gym to make up for not going last evening. I finally did a whole day's workout from Making the Cut. It was hard; felt like I had a personal trainer there kicking my butt. And I felt silly and frustrated trying to learn all the new exercises and carrying my book around the gym; I wish I had a video. But I did the whole thing, and it took me a little over an hour. This afternoon BF and I are going to take our dog to the foothills and go running. So I will be exercised-out today, yay. :) I already like the new start.

The Care and Proper Feeding of Young Lawyers:

One Associate's Nutrition and Fitness Goals, and tips for staying healthy while slaving away at a desk job

Well. For the past couple of weeks I've been trying to find a healthy way to lose weight. I don't have a whole lot of weight to lose-- my goal is about 15 pounds. But boy do those 15 pounds seem to be impossible to take off. My whole life, I've practiced a bunch of inconsistent and unhealthy fitness habits (or lack thereof). I'd over eat and then go on a starvation diet to lose weight quickly, then once I did, it was back to over-eating!

I used to be inconsistent about exercising, but that's one area I feel I have a healthy hold on now. Most mornings my dog Venus and I go running. She's a german shepherd/ rottie mix and needs a lot of exercise, as do I! Usually we meet up with two friends of mine from my former firm, and one or two of their dogs. That's my basic energy output of about 2.5 to 3 miles, 25 to 35 minutes. On top of that, I try to go to the gym which is conveniently right across the street from my office two to three times a week. I do strength and toning exercises. Then my boyfriend and I try to work out together once or twice a week-- he gives me a good work-out with a run, and shows me his free weight lifting etc. So I aim for about 45 minutes of workout about 5 times a week, and usually I hit that goal. I'd like to train for another half marathon or some kind of other race and really up my cardio goals. But for now, I'm proud of myself for getting up early when I have never been an early bird, and making real efforts to fit in some basic exercise despite my busy schedule.

Eating is a different story all together. I've been trying to follow a diet plan formulated for me by MyFitnessPlan.com, which says I should lose .9lb a week. That doesn't seem like much to me, but I've finally realized it's best to lose it slowly and patiently and healthfully, and have more success with keeping it off. The problem is, I don't always have time to log in online and add what I've eaten and how much I've worked out, etc. I'm considering getting Ascendo Fitness for my Blackberry. But I really do like MyFitnessPlan's format and how most of the foods I eat are listed in there (which was my complaint about fitday.com, the diet/exercise tracker I used to use).

I have finally figured out how to lose weight and maintain health -- 1200 calories a day base, but I also get to "eat" every calorie I burn working out. As I said above, most days I work out enough to burn at least 250 calories, so, most days I get to eat 1450 calories and still lose weight. On days I work out more, I can eat more. This seems to work well for me when I follow it and count my calories and don't splurge! I have lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks. I went off the bandwagon for almost a week and gained some weight back, and then lost it back again by being good. So although it's been about 3 weeks since I started the myfitnessplan.com tracking and figured out this plan, I've only lost 2 pounds. But still, it just goes to show me that it works: be good and follow the plan, and lose weight. Or be bad and don't follow the plan, and gain weight.

I've also been trying to adhere to the "runner's diet" ratio of 50 percent carbs, 25 percent protein and 25 percent fat. I've realized this is hard for me to do, since a lot of my favorite foods consist of carbs and fat! I love cereal, burritos, sweets... it just goes to show me why it's necessary to change my eating habits! I want to eat a lot of veggies, fruit, and lean protein like chicken and fish. I'm trying to eat 5 - 6 small meals a day to boost my metabolism and keep me full on the right kind of foods, so I'm less likely to over-indulge when my boyfriend suggests pizza night. ;)

All of this is very hard to put together and pull off. I'm hoping it becomes second nature, because my first nature is to EAT as much yummy and good food as I want, and then punish myself by not eating much at all... and that just isn't healthy.

Here are some tips I've learned that have helped me so far.

1) Plan my meals ahead of time and buy groceries

This is time-consuming up front but it saves time and frustration in the long-run. My biggest worry is always, "what will I eat for lunch??" Then, when someone brings in pasta or cookies, etc., I figure, well, it's free, so I might as well eat it. Or I will go out and buy McDonald's because I'm starving, it's cheap, close, and I really love those green chili double cheeseburgers. So I think it's essential for me to have pre-approved food on hand.

2) Keep it simple, smartie!

When I DO plan ahead, I tend to get all caught up in every little detail. What recipe do I want to make on Tuesday night (when in reality, Tuesday night will undoubtedly find me curling up with my boyfriend after my writer's group, craving Taco Bell, with all the ingredients I bought to make the healthy chicken stew going to waste in my fridge!) So I plan simple things I know I can do even running low on time and motivation-- oatmeal for breakfast, whole wheat turkey sandwiches for lunch, chicken and veggies for dinner. And small snacks to keep on hand like baby carrots and fat free ranch dressing, a tuna packet with a few crackers, a can of chicken noodle soup, etc. I use a farmer's market for fresh produce to pick up fruits and veggies and use them all up before buying more... otherwise, I find them going to waste, which is really annoying.

3) Use the weekends.

Oh, lovely weekends, set aside for every lofty goal! I do try to peel and chop veggies and fruit on the weekends, put them into baggies or containers and store them in my freezer or fridge. I make a big salad and some lunch sandwiches and wraps, I grill some chicken, whatever I have time for to prepare myself for the next busy week. I try to schedule this on my calendar so that it doesn't get away from me.

4) Be creative and have fun... but remember, Rome wasn't conquered in a day.

I tend to be a big over-acheiver and think I can make a healthy dinner every day of the week. Um, no, there are more important things that come up, like those 175 hours of billable time! That's why in general I stick to tip number 2 and keep it simple. But I also think it's fun to make a date night out of eating healthy, to save money by eating in instead of going to a restaurant, or to throw a dinner party or healthy appetizer party. So I try to cook a healthy recipe from scratch once a week. It's helpful if it's something that I can disperse throughout the week, like low-cal breakfast muffins or veggie casserole or double or triple a regular recipe to have a lot of leftovers. It's fun to realize what new and tasty treats you can make that actually taste good... and it's a lot cheaper than outside entertainment.

5) Be proud of acheivements and reward yourself for meeting goals

With all things in life, be kind to yourself and don't sweat the small stuff. So you splurged and enjoyed a co-worker's birthday cake at work. Well good for you... just run another half mile tomorrow morning. When you lose a small term goal, take yourself out shopping or to get a mani/pedi, or just give yourself a relaxing bubble bath. Nothing good comes easily, not even one ounce!!!, so realize that every small step is a big accomplishment.

6) Take advantage of the health food craze

Those protein bars are perfect pre-run/ work-out snacks. You can buy them in bulk from health food stores or even grocery stores and save money. Or you can go to http://www.allstarhealth.com and order a bunch of them in bulk at really discounted pricing and with low shipping. That way you'll always have them on hand-- you can keep some in your gym locker or gym bag, some in your car, some in your desk at work. And when you really need some "fast food" on the go, think of all the places offering "lower" calorie alternatives--- McDonald's Asian chicken salad, while not as healthy as a fresh salad of spinach and mixed greens that you can make at home, is low in calories and quite tasty. Their chicken snack wraps are too. I wouldn't make it a habit of relying on fast food but when in a pinch, be thankful that the health food craze has taken over even McDonald's!

7) Remember the golden rule of health and fitness.

Forget diet fads and crazy new diets. One simple rule is all you need to follow to lose/ maintain weight: calories in minus calories out determines everything. Try to find new ways to be active. If you're a newish associate like me, you probably spend way too much time behind a computer. But look for excuses to get up and move around. Take the stairs, walk briskly to your court hearing (it helps you be on time and burn calories! ;), work out over lunch or before work. Just remember to keep as active as possible and to eat accordingly. Focus on the long-term health benefits instead of short-term "diets". Try to think of what you would tell your 12 year old daughter, sister, niece, etc. if she came to you and said "how can I lose a lot of weight quickly?" I'm sure you would stress overall health and well-being over quick and dangerous weight loss that can start a pattern of inconsistency and illness. So do the same unto your own body!! Eat well whenever possible, be active whenever possible, and it's okay to backslide a bit or have that cookie dough ice cream, because overall, you're one healthy person!

Labels: diet, fitness, nutrition

Today was my last day at the (now) Former Firm. I didn't anticipate being so sad to leave. It was surreal. I had the great timing (...not...) of coinciding my last day with the day that all the attorneys in the firm went on a retreat. I have been on three firm retreats. The first one was in 2005 and I was a clerk. Another clerk, my friend S, and I were the first clerks (meaning, law school students, not actual attorneys) who ever got to go on a retreat. I had a grand old time. I have since realized that it is never a good idea to get smashed in front of your co-workers, especially when they are still your potential co-workers and you are still essentially involved in a summer-long interview. Way to go me. But alas, I was young and dumb, and that retreat is something I have learned never, ever to repeat in my future ladder-climbing career. At the time, I had a blast and I thought retreats were fun, fun, fun.

The next year, 2006, I had been working at Former Firm for about a month as an associate and I had just found out I had passed the Bar. I was still in a dream-like state, pinching my cheeks because I didn't believe it. The retreat was not as fun, since I had learned that just because they practically force-feed you buckets full of free alcohol doesn't mean you're actually supposed to drink it all. But I was still excited to celebrate my new lawyer-dom, and it was in Durango, which I found out during that weekend (the first time I ever went there) that I love, so it was a pretty good time. I remember going running there and it was the perfect climate.

The next retreat was last year, 2007, and we went to Seattle. I must say, if the retreat this year was planned for Seattle or somewhere equally as cool, I may have had to postpone my departure. By that time, hanging out with the co-workers I had to work with every day wasn't very exciting. But in Seattle, I could go off on my own and explore. I loved it. There are bookstores everywhere, it was like it was a city made just for me. I even went to a restaurant/ bar called the Library, which, you guessed it, was set up like a library. I went on an 18-mile run because I was training for the Portland marathon. I think that even with the rain and the kind of weather I dislike, I could happily live there. But anyway, suffice it to say, I loved the retreat last year, but not because it was a work retreat, just because it was in Seattle.

But this year, it is at another New Mexico resort where there isn't room to meander off to library-style restaurants and go shopping for a new Coach purse at a big mall. There are things like hiking and fishing. I wanted to go because my good friend C just started working at the firm (again, what impeccable timing I have!), but, otherwise, I was not crushed that I couldn't go. I was a bit relieved. I thought my time had come to part ways, so all was good.

But there I was at noon, after everyone else had left for the retreat, on my last day at the firm. Even my assistant, and most of the rest of the staff, got to leave at noon. I felt so lonely. I was not productive. I had to finish work, of all things!, and then I just sat there stunned. I wrote my last Response and my last letter on firm letterhead (which already had my name deleted off of it! Hrmph) (and which was sent to my friend C, who I represent in a pro bono case ha ha). I wrote a goodbye email and left the office. I still have to go back this weekend and pack up all my stuff and enter all the time I surprisingly billed today.

Everyone, well, especially the staff, were so nice. Many of the attorneys had been very nice but they knew before the staff. So today all the staff wished me luck and said they knew I could do it and they would miss me. The firm administrator gave me an awesome unexpected gift, earrings she made me and a plaque of an angel holding a dog that says "I welcome all the creatures of the world with grace." Awwww. I know it's time to go, but I will really miss working there. I have such torn feelings. Part of me is excited about the future. Now that I am officially "out", except for the heaping piles of files and books in my office, I feel relieved and ready to move on, because while I was still working there after giving my two weeks' notice, everything felt strange, like I should already be gone. But the finality of it all just hit me. Goodbye, Former Firm, the only place I have known so far!! You represented so many of my past hopes and dreams. Now I must leave you to pursue my future hopes and dreams. But it ain't easy. I guess change never is.

Labels: change, FormerFirm, goodbyes

I resigned yesterday. Gave my two weeks' notice.

It was hard. I can write words, but I can't say words very well sometimes. Not the greatest trait for an attorney.

My firm was historically run by one Head Guy, its founder. Very recently, Former Head Guy retired and there is a New Head Guy in charge. So it was pretty awkward to tell New Head Guy I was resigning. But I guess in some ways it was easier than telling Former Head Guy, to whom I feel some sort of duty or loyalty.

I went into New Head Guy's office and tried to say, "I accepted a job offer elsewhere." It came out completely different. When that happens, my sister says that words are falling out of her house. Well, words were definitely falling out of my house in New Head Guy's office. I said something like, "I offered an acceptance job."

He looked at me funny, and I started over, after clearing my throat. Suddenly, it came out okay. "I accepted a job offer elsewhere." I had thought of so many things to say, prepared a little speech, but, after I got that out, I felt like my job was done. The ball was in his court.

He asked where and then said, "so, I take it they're going to pay you more money, is that it? It's mainly about the money?"

One thing I like about New Head Guy is that he is very direct and to the point. I said, "yes, they are paying me more money, and it is a unique opportunity." Then came my prepared speech, most of which was true. "It's not that I'm unhappy here or that I have any complaints per se, it's just that this is an opportunity elsewhere that I can't pass up."

Blah blah blah.

He actually asked me if my decision was final and whether there was anything the firm could do to get me to change my mind. K (my SO) and his parents had said that my firm would probably offer something like that, but I guess I never really imagined it as a real possibility. At my firm, everything is based on lock step raises. I started with two other associates; we all went to the same law school together, and we all clerked at the firm for the summer. When it was time to give us an offer, Former Head Guy called us into his office and said the firm wanted to hire all three of us, and we would be making such and such an amount. It was not very high, but we all accepted, because there is great stability with this firm, the chance to become partner relatively quickly, a great life/ work balance. Etc. Pretty soon we all got a hefty raise to keep us up to date with associates at the other big firms in town. Nice. Then we all got another regular raise. All in step with each other. So I didn't know a raise just for me was a possibility. And quite honestly, I'm not sure if it really would be, because the firm is in shaky economic state at the moment, with some 12 attorneys who recently departed (the firm, not the earth, thank goodness).

I am not leaving for the reasons most of these attorneys left, mainly attributed to the change in leadership and various gripes they had against the way that Former Head Guy was planning for, or, rather, not planning for, the transition. I am leaving, like I was trying to tell New Head Guy, not because there are a bunch of things about my current firm that I hate, but rather because there are a lot of awesome things about the new firm that I am attracted to. Most notably, the much heftier paycheck and the chance for "incentives" and "bonuses", options which are not available to associates at my current firm. Also, there appears to be better work at the new firm, which does complex litigation and only for clients willing to pay well for it. It helps that it's a national firm with multiple offices, to bring in clients and work and also to give me an excuse to travel! And it's more hands-on experience, because the litigation group only consists of three people, including me. It's just hard to explain all the great allures of the new firm without making my current firm sound dumpy in comparison.

I did okay with New Head Guy. He took it well and seemed to understand. He was even super nice, telling me that the firm really values me and everyone has been impressed with my work. He said he considers my leaving a great loss for the firm but wishes me the best in this new opportunity. How very classy of him.

I left with a bigger head, but I still felt bad. This firm, soon to be my Former Firm, gave me my first (well, only!) clerkship opportunity while I was still in law school. It paid for me to take the Bar. It held a reception for me when I passed the Bar (still can't believe that one) and got sworn in. My dad attended, flying in from the East Coast, as well as K and his parents, and my friend T. It was a very family-like atmosphere. They have been good to me, giving me good raises and training me very, very well. But of course there have been some down parts, like at any firm I guess, and the plain truth is that I cannot turn down this huge jump in salary.

I was feeling pretty good, but word travels fast and soon I was having to explain my decision to other directors. Some of them took it quite personally, which made me feel bad. I'm a sucker when it comes to emotions. But everyone who came to talk to me was very nice, and sang my praises, and quite honestly, I didn't realize how valued I was here. One director offered to lobby on my behalf for a raise. He told me I will be a partner here and making over six figures by the time I am 30. That is true. However, I will be making that now at the new firm. Although I won't be up for partnership until I'm the ripe old age of 34. But as long as they pay me that well, I quite honestly don't care whether they call me Associate, Income Partner, Equity Partner, or Slavehorse, which I will essentially be. Everyone tried to get me to see that I'll have to bill so many more hours there. There isn't the same kind of job security; they won't hesitate to ax me if I don't make the cut. But then one director said I'm always welcome to come back here if I don't like it. That was not a good selling point on his behalf because it just made me think, "well, see, I'll go try it out, and I can always come back."

Except I don't want to come back. I know I am probably walking away from this firm forever, and NOT because there's anything wrong with it, but because it's my past, and I am focused on my future. I had some personal issues while I was here. It went through quite literally "the best of times, worst of times" kind of thing. I have learned a lot from my experience and I know I will make some better choices at New Firm. I have no where to go but up, and I feel that if I were to stay here or return here, I would be regressing, not progressing.

I feel like my life has been so stressed lately, due to my own choices. Poor prioritizing and organization etc. So I have been trying to re-vamp it and a new job is part of that. So is my goal to make sure I fit in all the important things, and making sure to do things for *me*. Reading and writing were such an integral part of my youth, and I gave them up for awhile to pursue a career as an attorney. Now I'm realizing that I can have both. In fact, I need both to feel whole and happy. It's strange but by making sure I can fit in the important things, I reduce my stress.

I got the impression that most of my colleagues felt like I was selling out. Leaving this balanced place for a more aggressive, competitive job for more money. But I don't feel that way. I feel like I am going to be paid closer to what I am worth. And I'm not going to sell out myself anymore. I will honor the things that have been important to me since childhood, all while making a boatload of cash as the hard-working and ambitious attorney I have always been. I am cashing in on my true potential. Can anyone say ca-ching? ;)

Labels: change, FormerFirm, goodbyes