Friday, August 22, 2008
Such (bitter)sweet sorrow
Today was my last day at the (now) Former Firm. I didn't anticipate being so sad to leave. It was surreal. I had the great timing (...not...) of coinciding my last day with the day that all the attorneys in the firm went on a retreat. I have been on three firm retreats. The first one was in 2005 and I was a clerk. Another clerk, my friend S, and I were the first clerks (meaning, law school students, not actual attorneys) who ever got to go on a retreat. I had a grand old time. I have since realized that it is never a good idea to get smashed in front of your co-workers, especially when they are still your potential co-workers and you are still essentially involved in a summer-long interview. Way to go me. But alas, I was young and dumb, and that retreat is something I have learned never, ever to repeat in my future ladder-climbing career. At the time, I had a blast and I thought retreats were fun, fun, fun.
The next year, 2006, I had been working at Former Firm for about a month as an associate and I had just found out I had passed the Bar. I was still in a dream-like state, pinching my cheeks because I didn't believe it. The retreat was not as fun, since I had learned that just because they practically force-feed you buckets full of free alcohol doesn't mean you're actually supposed to drink it all. But I was still excited to celebrate my new lawyer-dom, and it was in Durango, which I found out during that weekend (the first time I ever went there) that I love, so it was a pretty good time. I remember going running there and it was the perfect climate.
The next retreat was last year, 2007, and we went to Seattle. I must say, if the retreat this year was planned for Seattle or somewhere equally as cool, I may have had to postpone my departure. By that time, hanging out with the co-workers I had to work with every day wasn't very exciting. But in Seattle, I could go off on my own and explore. I loved it. There are bookstores everywhere, it was like it was a city made just for me. I even went to a restaurant/ bar called the Library, which, you guessed it, was set up like a library. I went on an 18-mile run because I was training for the Portland marathon. I think that even with the rain and the kind of weather I dislike, I could happily live there. But anyway, suffice it to say, I loved the retreat last year, but not because it was a work retreat, just because it was in Seattle.
But this year, it is at another New Mexico resort where there isn't room to meander off to library-style restaurants and go shopping for a new Coach purse at a big mall. There are things like hiking and fishing. I wanted to go because my good friend C just started working at the firm (again, what impeccable timing I have!), but, otherwise, I was not crushed that I couldn't go. I was a bit relieved. I thought my time had come to part ways, so all was good.
But there I was at noon, after everyone else had left for the retreat, on my last day at the firm. Even my assistant, and most of the rest of the staff, got to leave at noon. I felt so lonely. I was not productive. I had to finish work, of all things!, and then I just sat there stunned. I wrote my last Response and my last letter on firm letterhead (which already had my name deleted off of it! Hrmph) (and which was sent to my friend C, who I represent in a pro bono case ha ha). I wrote a goodbye email and left the office. I still have to go back this weekend and pack up all my stuff and enter all the time I surprisingly billed today.
Everyone, well, especially the staff, were so nice. Many of the attorneys had been very nice but they knew before the staff. So today all the staff wished me luck and said they knew I could do it and they would miss me. The firm administrator gave me an awesome unexpected gift, earrings she made me and a plaque of an angel holding a dog that says "I welcome all the creatures of the world with grace." Awwww. I know it's time to go, but I will really miss working there. I have such torn feelings. Part of me is excited about the future. Now that I am officially "out", except for the heaping piles of files and books in my office, I feel relieved and ready to move on, because while I was still working there after giving my two weeks' notice, everything felt strange, like I should already be gone. But the finality of it all just hit me. Goodbye, Former Firm, the only place I have known so far!! You represented so many of my past hopes and dreams. Now I must leave you to pursue my future hopes and dreams. But it ain't easy. I guess change never is.
The next year, 2006, I had been working at Former Firm for about a month as an associate and I had just found out I had passed the Bar. I was still in a dream-like state, pinching my cheeks because I didn't believe it. The retreat was not as fun, since I had learned that just because they practically force-feed you buckets full of free alcohol doesn't mean you're actually supposed to drink it all. But I was still excited to celebrate my new lawyer-dom, and it was in Durango, which I found out during that weekend (the first time I ever went there) that I love, so it was a pretty good time. I remember going running there and it was the perfect climate.
The next retreat was last year, 2007, and we went to Seattle. I must say, if the retreat this year was planned for Seattle or somewhere equally as cool, I may have had to postpone my departure. By that time, hanging out with the co-workers I had to work with every day wasn't very exciting. But in Seattle, I could go off on my own and explore. I loved it. There are bookstores everywhere, it was like it was a city made just for me. I even went to a restaurant/ bar called the Library, which, you guessed it, was set up like a library. I went on an 18-mile run because I was training for the Portland marathon. I think that even with the rain and the kind of weather I dislike, I could happily live there. But anyway, suffice it to say, I loved the retreat last year, but not because it was a work retreat, just because it was in Seattle.
But this year, it is at another New Mexico resort where there isn't room to meander off to library-style restaurants and go shopping for a new Coach purse at a big mall. There are things like hiking and fishing. I wanted to go because my good friend C just started working at the firm (again, what impeccable timing I have!), but, otherwise, I was not crushed that I couldn't go. I was a bit relieved. I thought my time had come to part ways, so all was good.
But there I was at noon, after everyone else had left for the retreat, on my last day at the firm. Even my assistant, and most of the rest of the staff, got to leave at noon. I felt so lonely. I was not productive. I had to finish work, of all things!, and then I just sat there stunned. I wrote my last Response and my last letter on firm letterhead (which already had my name deleted off of it! Hrmph) (and which was sent to my friend C, who I represent in a pro bono case ha ha). I wrote a goodbye email and left the office. I still have to go back this weekend and pack up all my stuff and enter all the time I surprisingly billed today.
Everyone, well, especially the staff, were so nice. Many of the attorneys had been very nice but they knew before the staff. So today all the staff wished me luck and said they knew I could do it and they would miss me. The firm administrator gave me an awesome unexpected gift, earrings she made me and a plaque of an angel holding a dog that says "I welcome all the creatures of the world with grace." Awwww. I know it's time to go, but I will really miss working there. I have such torn feelings. Part of me is excited about the future. Now that I am officially "out", except for the heaping piles of files and books in my office, I feel relieved and ready to move on, because while I was still working there after giving my two weeks' notice, everything felt strange, like I should already be gone. But the finality of it all just hit me. Goodbye, Former Firm, the only place I have known so far!! You represented so many of my past hopes and dreams. Now I must leave you to pursue my future hopes and dreams. But it ain't easy. I guess change never is.
Labels: change, FormerFirm, goodbyes
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